14 Aug How Swift’s testimony answers help all women

Taylor Swift’s unwavering testimony last week resulted in the case against her being thrown out of court and I’m proud of her for all us who have ever been groped by a stranger.

As the 6-day trial wore on, the questions directed at the singer ranged from leading to outright victim-shaming. Attorney Gabe McFarland insinuated that her reactions were not those of someone distressed by sexual assault and suggested a ‘victim’ should have taken a break when instead she continued her photo session with fans. Is there a right way we are supposed to behave in these situations?

Her response, “Your client could have taken a normal photo with me.” put the focus firmly back on the accused. McFarland even went as far as asking if Swift was critical of her own bodyguard for not preventing the alleged assault. While the average among us don’t have the luxury of hired protection, Taylor’s answer turned it around again, “I’m critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.” No one should have to rely on others stepping in to prevent an assault or help when it’s too late. While support is always appreciated, the change that’s needed is to stop anyone feeling like they have the power to touch without consent.

I know exactly how Taylor felt in that moment. When I was 17-years-old on holiday, I visited a water park with friends. In the middle of a swimming pool, two men surrounded and groped me. As they tried to edge me into deeper water, no words came out of my mouth. After a minute that felt like an hour I struggled enough that they moved away in fear of being noticed. Over the years, I’ve heard so many similar stories from many women in my life.

No evidence, no witnesses, no proof – it still happens.

Swift was polite and made the decision not to upset her fans in the heat of the moment. While she might have slipped into professional-mode, that instinct to remain calm is something that has been drilled into me over the years. If I ever find myself in a situation I can’t control, the advice offered was to always be polite and avoid conflict.

As children, boys and girls are told when crossing the road to stop, look and listen. But as adults, safety warnings often become one-sided. From a young age, I’ve been warned over and over about the dangers out there.

When the jury on Taylor’s case voted unanimously in her favour, I began thinking about all the pieces of wisdom whispered to me by well-meaning family members, friends, colleagues, and even strangers. Most of my female friends have heard these too but during a conversation with my brother, I realised that he’d had almost none of these in his direction. Off the top of my head, I rhymed off the unofficial 30 Stranger Danger Rules for Grown-Up Girls:

• I must be aware of my surroundings, look over my shoulder when alone, never take shortcuts, stick to busy streets and areas, walk on the inside of the pavement, if a car pulls up stay at a distance, make sure my phone is always charged, not wear headphones when walking alone, ignore catcalls and walk faster, and never go for a run in the quiet of morning or too late at night.
• I shouldn’t get in situations I cannot control, get too drunk, accept drinks from strangers, dress inappropriately, accept invitations to parties when I don’t know everyone, fall asleep in male company, give a guy the wrong impression, lead a man on, embarrass him in front of his friends, or start something I can’t stop.
• I have to be cautious of the company I keep, stay in groups when out, share taxis with female friends, never allow my friends to go home alone, text to check my friends get home safely, always tell someone where I’m going, be polite and try to appease a guy if he gets drunk and aggressive, be careful not to argue back or make a guy angry, and to punch, kick, jab if I’m attacked, but always to shout fire if I am because people are more likely to come help.

Sound familiar? And so the lessons go on, beginning when I was too young to understand vague warnings of ‘stranger danger’ to now having to listen to explicit details of ‘what could happen’ to me if I don’t take heed.

We are not a list of things we don’t do to protect ourselves.

Those 30 pieces of advice I’ve been given are all things I have been told as a girl. Hearing how Taylor’s mother wanted to vomit and cry, I’ve no doubt she has wondered if there was anything she could have done to prevent what happened. But Taylor said it best herself to McFarland, “I’m not going to let you or your client make me feel in any way that this is my fault.”

Victims are so much more than what they did or didn’t do right or wrong. I keep hearing the government should introduce better sex education. Schools should teach self-defence classes for girls. Parents need to tell their daughters to take fewer risks. The problem is we’ve been taught how not to get attacked for generations. Mothers have passed on their wisdom about the dark nature of some people probably as far back as the dawn of language.

That conversation is still happening, only it’s on a global level and less in hushed tones and more of a loud roar nowadays. Kids are getting ‘the talk’ younger and younger now, not just because they may become sexually actively willingly but because they might not have a choice and that is terrifying.

They say women are natural multi-taskers and I think it’s because we need to be.

Like many women, I carry these warnings with me 24/7 – the constant awareness of my surroundings can be exhausting. As a writer with an over-active imagination, my mind can sometimes think the worst as I walk along a quiet street in the evening. But it’s as a woman, even in broad daylight when my heart races as a group of men walk past that I realise there is more to it than just mild concern.

We are not vulnerable, we are not victims, we are not weak. But there are those in this world that will take advantage no matter where we are, what we’re wearing, the colour of our skin, our sexual history, how much we’ve had to drink, what we said, and did or didn’t do.

“My hope is to help those whose voices should be heard.” – Swift

My safety, my body, my future should not entirely be my responsibility to protect from the dangers out there.

Because the cold, hard truth is most predators are hiding in plain sight, walking among us, or in this case standing next to us. They are people we trust because they are friends, colleagues, family, or they just seem nice. Not predators in the bushes waiting to pounce. So we cannot be aware, and safety-conscious every moment, of every day – how would we get anything done?

I am not naive, the directions given are sensible and I do abide by them for the most part. But why is this education not more balanced on both sides? An equal conversation and lessons for boys and girls on how to make the world a safer place? A shared responsibility with men and women so that we can trust one another to live our lives without (as much) fear.

It is my responsibility, but it shouldn’t be my burden or mine alone.